1) Staying Connected On Social Media
This is never a good thing as people generally find themselves glued to their ex’s profile to see their exploits. Seeing your ex having fun with others only makes things worse for you and consequently, doesn’t give you the time you so badly need to spend away from them. If you’re connected to them on the Gram or Facebook, you’ll keep getting updates on who they’re spending time with or where they are and you’ll only feel worse about it all.
Additionally, you may even feel it necessary to make comments on their status updates or pictures. STOP! First things first… unfriend them! Now you’ll have the time to put them out of your mind and concentrate on your life, thankfully without constant reminders.
2) Texting, Calling, DM-ing Or Emailing The Ex
This is another big one. For most people the need or want to communicate with the ex is overwhelming when they first split up, as they’re so used to speaking to them on a daily basis. A good thing to do would be to either remove their number from your phone or make a vow that you won’t be calling them at 2am in the morning drunk. Drunk-dialling is not only a bad idea, but it’ll make the situation far more awkward, adding more hurdles in your way. Text message bombardment is also a No-No. Keep those thumbs busy doing something else… video games perhaps!? Seriously, give them space!
3) Staying In Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Playing the victim. Nobody likes that, not even you. Get up, get showered and changed and get out! Start doing things with your time. Fun things. Things you couldn’t or didn’t do when you were in the relationship. Take up a new sport or hobby, join a club, meet new people and as a bonus make some new friends. Get out and socialise, catch up with old friends and most of all ENJOY your free time. Try being totally selfish and treat yourself. Do something you want to do or visit a new place. Travel. Make the most of your time and learn to be happy single.
4) Not Eating Or Eating Too Much
When people go through a trauma like separation and heartache, it can have an adverse affect on their appetite and ultimately their bodies. It’s important to keep a regular meal time and not go too far off the routine, so you keep your energy up and help fight the mental depression. Eat healthy. Healthy body, healthy mind and all that. It’s far too easy to either give up eating or eat junk all day. Maybe learn a few new recipes. This could become a new hobby or passion. Just eat right everyday.
5) Jumping Straight Into Another Relationship
This one is all too common. After a long term relationship break up, you really need time to get your head together and get used to being single again. You need to spend time working on yourself and healing your heartache. It takes time. Really you want to spend time with yourself and getting used to it all again, as you’re probably still too hurt to really let go of your ex. It won’t end well for either of you and your new partner will soon see you’re not completely over your ex.
Take all the time you need and definitely don’t rush into anything. Once you’re feeling a bit better, try dating different people. Nothing serious, just enjoy being around the opposite sex and laughing again. Having fun is the key.
Are you making mistakes in your relationship break up?
If you’ve done any of these let us know. It’s not the end of the world but it can put a hurdle in the way of you getting your ex back. They can slow your progress right down and so we strongly recommend avoiding these top 5 mistakes.
Why not get in touch and let us know your thoughts. Are you making other mistakes with your ex girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife? Are you going through a bad breakup or divorce and struggling to cope? Send us your story and if you’re happy, we can post them on the site here and I’ll respond so we can subsequently help others.
In the mean time, take the edge off with this calming 10 minute mindfulness meditation video.
More importantly, take care of yourself.
Mike.
*Updated February 2018
I don’t know what to do my ex and I have been broken up for a few weeks now after being together for a few months. At first she told me she still wanted to be together but she just needed time and I made the mistake of trying to contact her still and calling and texting her and now she’s blocked me on everything. I left her a gift with an apology letter and said I’d leave her alone but then I got weak and left her voicemails on her phone still. I don’t know what to do because I still want to get back with her but I think I handled it wrong to the point that’s there’s no fixing it. What do I do?
Hey J,
Thanks for stopping by and hitting me up. Sorry I haven’t responded sooner. Sounds like you’re getting some pretty bad pangs for your ex there. I think anyone who reads this can relate to what you’re going through.
If you haven’t already, you really need to STOP trying to contact her. I know…it’s HARD!!! But… she needs space and you’re essentially smothering her, which will only push her further away. You need space too. There needs to be distance and time apart so you can be missed. If not, nothing will change for the better.
This is the time to be selfish and focus on yourself. Start doing stuff you’ve always wanted to do, that maybe you missed out on in the relationship. Get out, do more, see more and try and shift your main focus from her to something completely different (during the daytime at least – if you can get out and keep yourself busy in the evenings too, then do it!). Learn a new sport, hobby, interest, travel somewhere new, meet new people, catch up with people you haven’t seen in a while. Start rebuilding you again to a point where you’re not relying on your ex to be satisfied with your life.
This will help with the immediate stuff at least. Obviously if you want the complete step-by-step hand-holding guide on what to do and when, I can’t recommend The Magic of Making Up enough, but, I want you to get stable first and I don’t want you to spend money you don’t have. If you can’t afford it, then don’t fret. You can still get past this, it’ll just take a bit longer.
I hope this helps a little bit and if you feel like coming back here and catching up, please feel free.
All the very best,
Mike
I did the big bombarding of texts, calls and emails. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my behaviour as it only made me look like the lunatic.
Hi Julia,
Thanks for commenting.
BELIEVE ME, you’re not alone!!
I think MOST people do this to some degree. I’m sure we all realise you’re not a lunatic. Break ups do strange things to our hearts and our logic.
I think it’s the wanting to find answers mixed with wanting to keep them close. It’s a bit of a strange time when you’re heart and mind are trying to make sense of your new reality and circumstances and struggling to come to any rational conclusion.
Theres a great Ted Talk by a guy called Guy Winch here that explains this much better than I can articulate. Definitely worth a watch!
Well I hope you find peace and happiness on your journey Julia. Feel free to stop by any time and let us know how you’re getting on.
Rootin’ for you, Mike
Need some advice.
Me and my ex have been seperated for about 2-3 weeks now after being together for about 6 months(including the talking faze) we lived together for a month but i had here leave due to some money issues that were going on.
Long story short, another guy was showing her attention more then I was (while i was trying to fix my life situation) and getting with him and told me “you lost your opportunity” – “Someone else was there for me while you wasnt.”
I messed up after by trying to get her to be with me again. Did the whole beging for forgivness thing, calling and texting, going to see her. And after many times of me telling her I would finally leave her alone.. i would end up slipping up 2 days later. (Not anymore though im positive to have no contact!)
Did i screw up my chances ? What should i do?
She gets mad and tells me to leave her be but just responded to my text of me asking her if i could ask her a dew questions about what happened. Not sure if i reply or just forget it.
Hi Martin,
Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your situation with us.
Yes it looks like you’ve acted and behaved in exactly the same way as most of us who’ve been dumped before do!! Welcome to the club my friend. You’re obviously still very upset and not in the best frame of mind. Understandable! Yep, a lot of people have been there and lots more will get there at some point.
Don’t fret… just know that as horrible as it sounds it’s a good idea to stop doing what you’re doing i.e. contacting, texting, calling showing up etc. and take stock of your position and think about what may have happened. Generally relationships break up when something is not right or something is missing. Think about it for a second. People don’t tend to run off with other people when they’re all happy, smitten and in love with their partner. Normally something has to be missing or broken or not right for someone else to even have a look in.
Take some time to figure out what you think could have happened in your particular relationship and think about any problems there might have been (on both sides) and perhaps where one or both of you weren’t happy with something. Then you’ll have a better understanding. Do some research on what makes relationships tick.
Then the next big step is to work on yourself and take time for yourself. Get used to being single… it takes time to adjust, but just accept it for now. That’s a hard thing to do. Now you should also be selfish and get some help. Lean on friends and relatives and get out and do things that make YOU happy. By all means take a few days or a week or so to adjust first. But then make sure to start spending time with friends (old and new) take up a new hobby and focus more at work/college/school etc. Play sports or keep fit. Try to eat healthily… it’s too easy to neglect yourself at this point so double your efforts and get stuck into something to keep your energy up and your mind focused in the right direction.
Keep up the no contact thing and no matter how hard it is, stop yourself!! If you’re friends on Facebook or any other social media, unfriend them. Don’t be a stalker and just keep focusing on you. It’s better that you don’t know what they’re doing and help to create a stable position for yourself without extra emotional stress right now.
Then when you’re feeling happy about being single and have a stable lifestyle back, you might start to notice new people or they might notice you. Normally I’d say about 3 months of being single and of focusing on you is enough to get back out there. If not, get out and about more. Start to smile at the opposite sex again and see how you feel about it. IF it feels good you can continue or take stock and ask yourself if you still want to be with that person or if you’re happy with where you are.
If you’d like to try with the ex again I’d suggest asking for a brief meeting, perhaps for a coffee in the day time. Say 30-45 mins max, just to catch up and keep it cool. Don’t go back into the relationship problems at this point. Just catch up and let them know you’re happy (and you should be) and what you’ve been up to etc. They’ll see a difference if you’re genuine. But don’t get into an argument as it’ll undo everything. If you’re not happy then keep up the no contact and continue building yourself back up until you feel happy on the inside. Then an only then should you even try contacting the ex.
From there if successful you can ask for another coffee date the week after. If all was successful on the second meeting you can stay in touch and open a dialogue via text/call if you like. Maybe try a 3rd date if they’re ok with it. Perhaps an evening date this time, but don’t push your luck and try too much too soon. Keep it cool and flirty is fine, just nothing that opens up old wounds.
I hope that sounds like a good start Martin, but do let us know how you get on!
All the best and rooting for ya.
Mike